“I jump up: it would be much better if I could only stop thinking. Thoughts are the dullest things. Duller than flesh. They stretch out and there’s no end to them and they leave a funny taste in the mouth. Then there are words, inside the thoughts, unfinished words, a sketchy sentence which constantly returns: “I have to fi.. I ex… Dead … M. de Roll is dead… I am not… I ex…” It goes, it goes and there’s no end to it. It’s worse than the rest because I feel responsible and have complicity in it. For example, this sort of painful rumination: I exist, I am the one who keeps it up. I. The body lives by itself once it has begun. But though I am the one who continues it, unrolls it. I exist. How serpentine is this feeling of existingùI unwind it, slowly. If I could keep myself from thinking! I try, and succeed: my head seems to fill with smoke and then it starts again: “Smoke not to think don’t want to think… I think I don’t want to think. I mustn’t think that I don’t want to think. Because that’s still a thought.” Will there never be an end to it?
My thought is me: that’s why I can’t stop. I exist because I think and I can’t stop myself from thinking. At this very momentùit’s frightfulùif I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire: the hatred, the disgust of existing, there are as many ways to make myself exist, to thrust myself into existence. Thoughts are born at the back of me, like sudden giddiness, I feel them being born behind my head. if I yield, they’re going to come round in front of me, between my eyesù and I always yield, the thought grows and grows and there it is, immense, filling me completely and renewing my existence.”—Jean-Paul Sartre (via halus)
Tell me now, is the title apt or what. I’ve never felt enough for anything, for anyone, to do enough. I feel so insufficient every night. Like I’m not doing anything to fill up this time that I have on earth.
I feel that every single day, we’re doing so much just to keep ourselves alive. Keeping up, keeping up with the time lapse lifeline. Keep up with the news, keep up with the latest entertainment/movies/music, keep up with the latest products. Which is probably in no small part due to the hundreds of ads that we get exposed to on a daily basis.
Thinking about the course that i’m majoring in, Comms and New Media. Of course we have to keep up with all the latest developments, what with new media still evolving with every technological breakthrough (will it ever stop?). A friend once asked me why i chose to study new media. Isn’t it better to study something that’s ‘dead’ like sociology or psychology? (i’m aware that theories are only hypotheses that havent been proven wrong yet, but they are considered dead for now)
To me, I guess I’d choose something that’s tried and done. Perhaps that is why I feel so weary. I look at my classmates and I wish I could be like them, always so upbeat and enthusiastic about stuff (about life) while I just feel so lethargic and lagging behind (in life).